#ClareSpeaks: Pregnancy after miscarriages.

Hi Loves, 

Trying to keep to my few days a week blog update. So here goes.. Today, I would want to share about pregnancy after miscarriages. Things NOBODY talks about, things I wish people around me would tell me, things I would want to share. Again, if this topic is too sensitive, please do not read. 

So end of July 2022, I was feeling very lethargic and sickly. Usually when I’m PMS-ing I would be craving sweet stuff, I’d always be hungry and stuffing my face with food. But this time round, I felt nauseated and weak. And when I realised my period date was late.. I panicked. Momsie kept telling me to just do a test so that I can maybe somehow ease my mind. Deep down inside, I was scared to do the test. What happens if it’s positive? What happens if its another miscarry? Of course, all of these thoughts were playing in my head and it was honestly very difficult to be positive then. So Momsie actually bought me a home test kit and made me test the next morning. 

I sat down on the toilet bowl for 10 minutes after peeing on the stick. 

I dared not look at it. 

I cried. 

I prayed. 

I could not find the right words to describe how I felt. 

But I prayed for strength. 

I took the stick. 

Walked out of the toilet. 

Looked at it and cried. 

PREGNANT. 

F**K! 

I woke Le Hulk Hubster up, threw the stick at him. Cursed him. 

And cried my eyes out. 

No, I wasn’t happy. At that point in time. I prayed for strength, for whatever was to come. 

Le Hulk Hubster and I decided to wait it out for at least 1 week before making an appointment with my Gynea. I was still nauseated and weak. Thank God, at that time, my mom moved in with us and she was helpful around the house. 

1 week later, my gynea appointment came. I decided to go back to the same Gynea I went to during my first pregnancy. (She was also the first who had to guide me through my first miscarry.) I felt comfortable with her, so I thought why not. I know many would opt for another gynea because of the past trauma. But I was somehow very comfortable with her and decided to just go with the flow. 

Stepping into her clinic, felt so surreal. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat. My palms were all sweaty. There was Dr Suzanna all smiles.. “Hi Clare! It’s been a while. What can I help you with today?” I pulled out the chair, and told her. Immediately she checked.. There it was. A sack! 

She checked for a long time, making sure everything was clear. She turned to Le Hulk Hubster and congratulated him. Looked at me and said.. “Finally!” I cried. She asked to see me again the following week to make sure everything was ok. But was ordered to be on strict bed rest because of my history.

AR was on summer break, so she wanted to come along to the doctor’s appointment. She had no idea what was going on, but she just wanted to be there for me mostly. And upon hearing the gynea congratulating us. She immediately asked us what was happening. I waited till we were in the car, a quiet place to tell her. She was so happy and thrilled!! I wish I recorded her reaction, because she was extremely excited! She has been praying for a sibling for the longest time. 

But I was putting on a mask. Of course, I was still scared. 

Oh how I cried nonstop. 

A week later, there it was. We finally saw a little dot that we nicknamed “Bumpy” and everything was going well. As much as the gynea was trying to calm me saying things were getting better week by week, the fear was there. Almost everyday I had to keep my mind preoccupied by reading / sewing. 

Poor AR who was on a summer break, was home bound because Mama was on bed rest. But she was so well behaved.. She too had to be strong and independent for Mama. Such a strong and resilient little girl, she was suddenly growing up in front of my eyes. 

Weeks turned into months. Then came the time where I could no longer suck in my tummy anymore and it was starting to show. So we had to share the good news. Again, a million and one thoughts was going through my head. I told myself, a day at a time. And to just go with the flow. Doc has said everything is well, so let’s just announce. 

We started hinting first. With this picture.. (above) 

I have always wanted to record the reaction of loved ones when you tell them your pregnant. So we decided to record some reactions, of our loved ones. And let me just say, this video will forever be close to our hearts. 

There was a certain amount of joy with this pregnancy, at the same time I think there was more anxiety and fear. More than anything else. I had so many sleepless nights, nights where I would cry myself to sleep. Prayer couldn’t even calm my nerves at this point, but I still prayed for everything to be safe and alright. 

Months later, my gynea said I needed to go see another gynea because she no longer is licensed to deliver babies because of her age. Actually she is retired.. So she introduced me to another Gynea. Dr Sharina. 

Initially a million and one worries started popping up my head. 

It was either my hormones or this pregnancy just made me cry so much. 

A new gynea? 

I had to tell my history to a new gynea all over again. 

But oh how comforting Dr Sharina was. And how she made it her mission to deliver bumpy healthy and safe. (I’ll safe the delivery story for the next post.) 

If you are pregnant after a miscarry. (Or miscarriages) 

Breathe. 

Take it a day at a time. 

Go with the flow. 

Pray. 

I know this journey is not easy. It’s a miracle. It’s so hard, it’s so worrying, it’s so stressful, it’s joyful at the same time, but oh how nerve wrecking it was. Sleepless nights, the pain, the nausea, the cravings. 

(FYI, my weirdest food craving: Sambal Ikan Billis, Crunchy Peanut Butter with the Nuts & Toast) 

But at the end of the day, Bumpy came out healthy and safe. I didn’t carry him for 9 months, but 7. At least we survived till then. 

Till the next post. 

Xoxo. 

CC