ClareSpeaks: Dealing with Bipolar Disorder & Depression.

This post today is going to be a bit of a emo post. Also at the same time, it's for me to realize.. I need to learn to come to terms with a lot of things. I think most of you who are on my Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr would know by now that I'm seeing a psychologist.

Lately, a lot of things has been happening in my life. Facing a lot of things all at the same time has been a major breakdown on my side. Things have been taking a drastic change in my reality life, I've turned into the 'hulk' basically.. Unable to control my temper, unable to face my emotions and easily tearing for the most unnecessary reasons. Worst of all I have started developing fears.. Fears to face the past 1 step at a time.. Yes, I live in a world with 2 personality. Thus being diagnosed as a person with bipolar disorder. *Clickety here to read more about Bipolar Disorder* I smile and make jokes like as if my world is perfect in front of others. Instead, I'm going through pain, depression and the most difficult to explain emotions.

1st step according to my shrink is I needed to come to terms with my 'labeled sicknesss'. So the only way to face all these things I realize was to let all of you know about it.. To let all of you know that I'm facing all these things. No I don't want your pity's, instead I need your strength to help me through each step that I take. It's not easy for me to come to terms with all this, but I have to.. It's for me. For once I have a reason to be selfish. =)

I always tend to have this feeling that I was not good enough, not good enough to others. I'm always a failure in terms of work and family. I'm always disappointing the family and all closest to me. I still do feel that way.. I'm not good enough. I'm just yet doing the worst mistakes of my life. Whatever I did, no matter how much I went through.. I was still never going to be good enough or good to that certain persons point of view. And it started to make me create 2 personality. But the minute I got home... I went crazy, I'd lash out badly at my fiance. We'd fight as if everything was all his fault. And I'd feel as if he did not understand that I was upset that nobody would understand me at all.. Which eventually lead to me having depression..

According to the shrink.. 1 of the main reason causing me to have Bipolar Disorder is also my Depression. *Clickety Here to read more about Depression* Other than having people not understanding me.. I was dealing with the lost of my loved ones. Death started to play with my emotions.. Fear started to over come me.. Loosing the most important people in my life was not easy, my strength, my comfort, my 'home' was taken away from me. Worst case scenario, my '2nd home' too started to give me heartaches and upsets. I was being taken advantaged.. I was just blinded by passion and love for the things that I did.

The thing that kept going through my head is how much I have given in to a lot of things. But I just needed time to clear my head. Clear my mind. But it's not easy, as I go through life daily.. It's such a torture to know that your doing it alone, your going through things alone.. And you need to find the strength alone.. Yes no doubt I have friends.. The best friends in the world. I could not have asked for more. But there are times even your friends can't save you from being upset or dealing with death.

The day I realized I needed help was when I started developing fears. Few weeks back, I had a shoot to do and it required us to go to a orang asli settlement. My mind of the past started flashing back and I started to cry, my whole body shaking, my whole mind going crazy.. It was just too much to take!! I went insane!! I could not even step foot into the Orang Asli Settlement. I just started trembling and crying, it was crazy!! But I had to somehow overcome that and walk into the set and just deal with things.. That was the day I realized I needed psychiatric help.

So this is where I come to terms with whatever mental health I am in. This is where I am telling all you friends and family. I'm going through tough times now, it's not easy for me to admit this and tell you that I'm going through some pain.. Please give me time to deal with things, and please be there for me when I am in need of your help. Just stand by me, support me and give me guidance bit by bit. Help me in every step that I take. And forgive me if I lash out in anger from time to time.